Fic: Remus Unguarded
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huldrejenta
Title: Remus Unguarded
Rating & Warnings: PG, a tiny bit of swearing
Word Count: ~ 4,000
Prompt: "Lupin's place" (gilpin25's prompt #3)
Summary: All the secrecy made him sometimes wonder if he really had it in him to lower all his defences and let another person see the whole man. Just Remus.
Notes: While writing this fic, my computer broke down, and parts of the story disappeared. I've re-written (or at least tried to; somewhat grudgingly) most of what I lost, but one section is missing (called "Hermione") - I might add it later.
Thank you so much togilpin25 for the super fast and invaluable beta ♥
Remus Unguarded
He’d always been burdened and blessed with many secrets. Over the years he quietly perfected the art of keeping them inside, never letting anything slip. Fate made it necessary for him to start practicing even as a little boy, and Remus was nothing if not a fast learner. He got used to having secrets, he would have felt bare and exposed without the shield they provided. They allowed him to build fortresses. Behind them, he could stay safe. Lonely, maybe, but safe.
He had people in his life, people who trusted him, liked and even loved him. Some of them got to see only the surface. Others got him, really got him. But revealing only parts of himself to those he met had become second nature, and all the secrecy made him sometimes wonder if he really had it in him to lower all his defences and let another person see the whole man. Just Remus.
*** *** ***
Sirius
Sirius quickly sat up in his armchair in front of the common room fire. He’d nearly fallen asleep, feeling uncharacteristically tired, but was woken up from his doze by the sound of fast footsteps and loud laughter. Turning to see where the noise came from, he saw James and Remus tumbling from the portrait hole, carelessly throwing themselves onto the sofa.
“Where’ve you been?” James asked once the laughter had died down. “You missed all the fun!”
Sirius shrugged. “Nowhere. Here. Thinking.”
“Sirius Black, spending all afternoon in the common room, thinking?” James eyed him suspiciously. “That’s a first. Don’t tell me the Most-Sought-After-Person-At-Hogwarts-Next-To-James-Potter is nervous about his date tonight? Or are you afraid that you’ll have to do some actual studying this year to ace all your N.E.W.T. exams? No, wait, I’ll bet you’re so excited about your detention with McGonagall tomorrow that you can’t get her out of your mind.”
“Wherever you’ve been, you’ve obviously misplaced your wit, ‘cause that’s not even remotely funny.”
Sirius had to raise his voice to be heard over James’ guffaws.
Remus said nothing. He adjusted one cushion behind his back (still sore from the full moon three days ago), looking at Sirius with that infuriating, absolutely impossible-to-read expression of his.
“Okay then, enlighten me.” Sirius found the current conversational topic to be less than productive, even though he knew that James’ teasing was little more than his way of trying to get a friend out of what he believed to be a sulk. “What did I miss?”
James sat up, eagerly starting a long story about his latest, and this time successful, attempt at hexing Slytherins.
“And then,” James went on, “this bloke in sixth year, can’t remember his name, decided to get cheeky with Peter, and no one gets to insult my friends but me.”
Remus still said nothing. He’d now turned his attention to James, listening to his story with an anticipatory glint in his eyes. It was oddly unsettling, and Sirius wondered why he’d been laughing with James earlier. Stories about random hexing were usually far away from what constituted fun in Remus’ book.
“Of course Snivellus wasn’t… eeeh… able to keep out of it. And when… aah… he tried to… ouch… send the… uhm… what in sweet Godric’s name is going on? I’m itching like mad all over!”
Sirius couldn’t help letting out a small laugh at the sight of an increasingly agitated James scratching himself with vehement force.
“Something the matter, Prongs?” Remus had straightened up from his slouching position on the soft sofa, looking pointedly at James.
“Yes, something is bloody well the matter! It feels like an entire army of ants are crawling on my skin, doing their best to chew their way through it.” James kept frantically scratching himself at various, ever-changing areas.
“You don’t say.” Remus didn’t look like his usual sympathetic self when he saw a friend in distress, and he certainly didn’t seem surprised. Sirius turned to look at him, at the slender figure that gave such a fragile impression, though Sirius knew it was anything but. Realisation hit him, and he felt more than a little impressed by this quiet, unassuming boy with hidden depths.
“This is your doing?”
He grinned at Remus, suddenly very glad that he’d spent the afternoon away from James and his antics, otherwise he would most likely have joined in, and eagerly, too. (You just don’t say no to a challenge.)
“You’ve used one of your useful little spells again, haven’t you? The ones no one else has ever heard of?”
“If you’d spent a little more time in the library, you would have been able to extend your own repertoire considerably.” Remus started humming the chorus of a silly tune the four of them had made after one particularly successful prank, stretching his long legs out in front of him.
“Moony – what did you do to me!” James growled. “Aaaah! This is driving me mad!”
“Actually, Prongs, you did it all to yourself.”
“How do you mean I did it to myself?” James’ eyes narrowed, and he held them locked at Remus for exactly three seconds before he furiously began scratching again.
“I made this happen if, and only if, you decided to go after Severus and unsuspecting Slytherins unprovoked. If you’d behaved yourself, the spell wouldn’t have been effectuated.”
“You and your fancy words. And there’s no such thing as unprovoked when it comes to Snivellus! You know that! You know what he does if he’s first… eww… how long does this thing last anyway?”
“Oh, don’t worry, it’ll probably wear off in the morning.”
“That’s clever, Moony.” James didn’t look the least bit impressed. “Really clever.”
“Yes, I thought so too,” Remus said with a happy grin.
“Now, as fun as this has been, I’ll leave you two to sit here and gloat.” James rose from the sofa and made a hasty retreat towards the stairs to their dormitory. “I’ll be damned if I can’t find a spell to lift this… bloody hell, it itches… before tomorrow!”
“Good luck!” Remus called after him lazily. “I’ll be quite impressed if you’re able to.”
Sirius shook his head slowly.
“Moony, Moony, Moony,” he said, unable to hide the mixture of amusement and awe from his voice. “You are just full of surprises, aren’t you? People think James and I are the pranksters, but underneath that perfect prefect surface, you’re every bit as devious. And no one ever suspects you.”
Remus shifted to find a more comfortable position, rubbing his neck with pale fingers. Every trace of mischief was gone within a blink of an eye. Sirius knew what went through his mind – they would all suspect me if they knew.
“You know…” Remus looked very tired all of a sudden, staring into the fire with an odd, distant look. A sigh escaped his lips, adding years to the young face. “I actually kept hoping that James wouldn’t do anything. That the spell wouldn’t have gone off, and I could cowardly stay out of it. Like I always do.”
Sirius felt a flash of annoyance. Why did Remus always do this? “Don’t go there. You’ve got the cleverest ways of letting us know when we’re out of line. And we’re out of line rather a lot, even if we’ve grown up a bit this last year. No one has made us feel that more than you have, in your own subtle way.”
“Quite.” Remus wrinkled his nose, clearly not believing a word.
“I always tell the truth, Remus. You’re clever and nice and funny. Not to mention I have it on good authority that those – and I quote – dreamy eyes of yours are quite the talk in the girls’ dormitories. I tell you, one day you’ll make a lucky witch sickeningly happy.”
Sirius didn’t get what was so funny when Remus threw his head back and let out a loud laugh.
“Indeed. Dark creatures with no future prospects never go out of style. I can picture the ladies queuing up, all desperately hoping to build a home with me. It would take a pretty mad girl, I’d say.”
“You can always hook up with someone in my family then. The Black women are all sinfully beautiful and utterly insane. Seems like a perfect combination.”
Remus’ laughter morphed into a silent snort. “I’m not quite that desperate, Padfoot. Thanks, though. For being a friend.”
They settled into comfortable silence, listening to the crackling fire, both deep in their own thoughts.
Sirius knew that if he took a poll asking his fellow Gryffindors if Remus would ever pull a stunt like he had with James, although innocent enough, most would refuse to even consider the possibility. Showed how much they knew.
But Sirius had on more than one occasion seen more, a deeper layer of something darker. No one knew better than Sirius how the inner demons could haunt you, how they would hide and pretend not to be there, all the while doing their best to taint even just a little part of you.
If things outside the safe cocoon of Hogwarts were going to escalate to full war – and Sirius didn’t for one minute delude himself to think that they couldn’t – Remus Lupin was certainly someone he was very glad to have standing in his corner.
I sometimes wonder, though – how deep into the darkness do you have it in you to go?
Molly
The sounds of water being heated and Summoned mugs landing elegantly on the work surface, seemed to ring way louder than they were actually capable of in the quiet kitchen. Molly busied herself with what she normally did when she was feeling stressed – making tea for everyone and trying to engage in small talk with someone who might be in need of some mothering. But since the only other person in the gloomy room happened to be Sirius, she dedicated herself eagerly to the former of her two well used anxiety releasers.
What must the others think of her? Here she was, a full grown member of the Order, with a special responsibility to make sure the children were having as normal a summer as humanly possible, and what did she do? Break down crying, and be unable to perform a spell she’d mastered as a teenager. Because of a stupid Boggart.
Having seen from the outside what it meant to be in the Order during the first war, she thought she was prepared for this. Living every single day suffocated by fear of what might happen to her loved ones, turned out to be something it wasn’t possible to prepare for.
Remus, of course, had been absolutely wonderful about it. He quickly read the situation and did what needed to be done, without making her feel like a complete failure. At least not more of a failure than she already felt like. And his words had actually managed to calm her, to take the edge off the horrible images that kept playing in her mind. For now.
She threw a quick glance through the kitchen at the man sitting by the old, heavy table, nursing his drink and staring into thin air. Her intellect knew that Sirius was in just as much need of companionship and understanding as anyone else at Grimmauld Place. His rash behaviour and firm opinions were pretty much in the opposite corner to her own, making it difficult for her to see past them. Sirius made her feel jumpy, whereas Remus held an aura of safety, calmness and sanity in an increasingly insane situation.
Eventually her need to talk to someone proved stronger than her reluctance to have a friendly conversation with Sirius.
“I can’t believe that I was a bit skeptical of Remus when I first met him. It was nothing personal, I’d just never met a… you know, a werewolf before. I’m not proud of it. But now I can’t remember how we managed without having him as an anchor for us all. It must have been wonderful to be his friend at Hogwarts! I don’t think I’ve ever met a man so genuinely warm and gentle before.” A smile tugged at her mouth. “Except for Arthur, of course,” she added hurriedly.
Sirius set the chair he’d been leaning backwards on, back down onto four steady legs again, before turning to look at her. “Yes,” he said softly, “he is a good man, our Moony.”
He leaned forwards, putting his forearms firmly on the table and shot Molly a sharp look. “But remember, he was a Marauder, and he was a Marauder for a reason.”
There was no missing the distinct pride and fondness in his voice, and he took a long sip of his Butterbeer with a reminiscent expression on his face that lit him up from inside, showing a glimpse of the unnervingly handsome man that he once was.
Molly shrugged as she turned towards her bottomless tea pot again, determined not to let anyone destroy her image of Remus as the embodiment of everything honest and decent.
“Oh, I’m sure the main reason for him being around was to make sure you didn’t stir up way too much trouble,” she said. She’d meant it as a joke, or she hoped she’d meant it as a joke, and she winced when she noticed Sirius’ rolling eyes.
Any resolutions to make a further effort with Sirius, slipped away as the door squeaked open and Remus quietly walked in. Maybe anxiety releaser number one was within reach after all.
“Everything okay, Molly?”
“I’m fine, Remus,” she beamed, "or at least I will be. Why don’t you sit down and have some tea?”
He smiled at her, looking genuinely grateful. "I can't say no to that. You’re really spoiling a couple of old bachelors.”
“I hardly see you as the type to let yourself get spoiled, Remus. But I’m thrilled to do what I can to help." She tried to catch their host's eyes. "For you both," she added.
She hesitated for a second before turning to Remus again. It really wasn't her business. (Though if she were to be completely honest, she wouldn't mind making it her business. Remus was just the person to need a friendly nudge. And she wanted to be a friend.) "Maybe a nice lady would be what you need in the spoiling-department? I don't want to be nosey, but I’d like to see you happy. I don't believe for a second that people are strongest on their own."
Remus didn’t answer. He coughed lightly and seemed to concentrate on the tea as if it was immensely intriguing. She wondered what he was thinking; if she'd made a terrible blunder by asking, or maybe he had indeed met someone. That would be wonderful. Whoever the possible mystery woman was – if she could make Remus happy, Molly would support her every step of the way. Something told her Remus might not be easily convinced that he deserved the things in life that others did.
Tonks
She knew exactly when it had happened. The day – the hour – almost down to the minute.
She’d been sitting in the gloomy library at Grimmauld Place, sighing impatiently at the never ending stack of paperwork on the desk beside her. Not all of an Auror’s work was full of meaning and passion. Some of it was dreadfully boring. Like this. And she needed to finish it tonight.
Frowning slightly, she opened one parchment and started plotting in the numbers, rolling her eyes at the sight of an ink stain her impatient quill work left behind.
Okay. Better get started. She was just about to open the next parchment, which promised even more tedious work, when she felt more than saw that she was being watched. Remus.
“Want some help with that?”
He waved his hand over the parchments.
Tonks grinned, feeling a rush of gratitude and something else she couldn’t quite put her finger on. (It wasn’t the first time she’d felt it around him. She should be able to recognize anything out of the ordinary. It was what she did. Annoying, really.)
“I can’t say no to an offer like that. Got to warn you, though. This is so boring that it makes professor Binns’ lectures seem absolutely thrilling.”
He smiled, the genuine smile he always gave her, sat down next to her, and casually Summoned a quill. They worked for some time; side by side in complete silence, only disturbed by Kreacher passing through the room, mumbling something about freaks and scoundrels besmirching his mistress’ house.
“Oh dear, Kreacher,” Remus said mildly, “you do have high thoughts about how important we are. I’m afraid my days as a scoundrel are far behind me. Now it’s all very boring and un-scoundrelish.”
Tonks snickered to herself. She loved it when he let his sense of humour shine through – quite wicked, yet never cruel. Wry and to the point, yet always gentle.
They started working again, but Tonks found she had a hard time focusing. Her thoughts wouldn’t leave Remus.
She’d liked him from the day they met; enjoyed his presence, laughed at his clever jokes, been impressed by his down-to-earth, yet inventive suggestions at Order meetings. But now, sitting in the dim library, where he spent one of his very few nights off Order duty to help her with her frustratingly slow work, something was different. He lifted his hand and let his fingers glide distractedly through his hair, and it hit her. She realised what she probably should’ve seen some time ago. She’d fallen in love with Remus Lupin.
Just as vividly as she remembered that moment, she knew exactly when she blew it. Her big mouth got the better of her and spilled the one secret she knew deep down he wasn’t ready to hear. The detached, mild politeness he'd met her with since, hurt more than she wanted to admit to anyone, let alone to herself.
And now she was here. Standing in the hallway outside his room at Grimmauld Place. Hesitatingly she lifted her hand, then stopped just as she was about to knock.
“Okay, Tonks, “ she mumbled to herself. “Remind me again why you thought this was a good idea.”
But she knew she couldn’t turn around. Whatever awkwardness she might feel was nothing compared to the worry that’d been gnawing at her all morning. Sirius’ assurances that Remus would – eventually – be okay this time as well; that he’d had plenty rougher-than-usual full moons before, weren’t enough to set her at ease. He might need something. And he needed to know that she was here for him, that she cared for him, even with all the tension between them lately. Especially with the tension between them lately.
Determination renewed, she knocked on his door.
Remus’ muffled voice floated through the door. “Sirius, is that you?”
Not quite.
Slowly she pushed the door open, levitating the mug full of a pick-me-up drink from a certain Andromeda Tonks’ secret recipe, and peeked inside. Remus half lay, half sat in the bed, fully dressed on top of the covers.
Anything broken? Doesn’t seem to be.
Open wounds or signs of bleeding? No.
Colour of skin? Pale, but nothing more than I’d expect.
Breathing? Shallow, but steady and even.
“Tonks? What are you doing here?”
During the split second it had taken her to assess what state he was in, he’d sat up, tiredly rubbing his eyes. She sent him a smile, trying to ignore that he didn’t look at all pleased to see her.
“Oh, you know me,” she said fleetingly. “Always stumbling around, sticking my foot in it.” She drew a shaky breath. “I wanted to see if you need anything.”
“Well, I don’t. I’m perfectly fine.”
“Maybe... maybe it would be good for you to talk to someone; it’s not necessary for you to be alone in this.”
“I beg to differ.”
Tonks lost focus for a second, cursing her lack of tact and eloquence. The levitating mug, feeling itself start to drop, gave an angry warning hiss.
She couldn’t remember ever having seen Remus annoyed. Least of all with her. But when their eyes met – his shut down, hers searching – she saw. She understood. It wasn’t annoyance. It was sorrow. And it just about broke her heart.
Remus looked away, down at his tightly folded hands in his lap.
“Tonks – I’m sorry. I’m just tired, I didn’t mean…” He paused for a second, seemed to be searching for words. “I’ve tried to give you some space. To make it easier for you to move past this… infatuation you’ve been having. Obviously there can never be anything beyond friendship between us, I don’t have to explain why. I’ve only ever had your best interests at heart; distancing myself to make it easier for you. I may have been wrong. I never meant to hurt you, and I can see that I have.”
He looked up at her again, motioned for her to sit down before gently taking the mug. “Thank you. It smells – strong. As I would expect any old Black recipe to do.” A small sip, a subtle wince, and he continued. “I’ve been thinking, rather a lot, actually. As long as we both spend so much time here, we’ll keep running into each other. I do value our friendship very highly. It would sadden me to lose it."
Countless thoughts flashed through her head. None of them were louder than the mix of emotions his words evoked. Joy, hope and something strangely close to disappointment. Don’t get greedy, Tonks.
He drank some more from the mug she’d brought him, and he did seem somewhat more alert.
“I have an appointment with Dumbledore later today. Something about a new mission he wishes to discuss with me. I'm not doing anything afterwards, so maybe I’ll see you?”
The smile she flashed at him was warm and wide. “I’ll always manage to find time for you, Remus.”
It was true. She would. Friendship was wonderful. She needed to focus on that. And now that he’d tentatively said yes to being friends, maybe it meant he’d missed her a little. She knew that being with him meant coming home; soppy as it sounded. Maybe being with her could someday mean the same to him. Hopefully, someday soon. At least she could look forward to seeing him later today, after his little mission-chat with Dumbledore.
*** *** ***
Much later
Cream? Whipped and fluffy.
Eggs and sugar? Ditto.
And now for the main ingredient of the evening – chocolate. Melted, thick, delicious chocolate. It was sweet and bitter. Remus waved his wand, making the dark chocolate and the yellow eggs stir together. Beautiful patterns emerged, waves and spirals, before they blended into one.
Quickly Remus put his index finger into the batter, then into his mouth before closing his eyes and tasting. Wonderful. This was going to be the best mousse ever, if he did say so himself. Which apparently he did.
A voice brought him out of his chocolate induced bliss, and into another one. “Teddy’s finally fallen asleep, so maybe we can… Sweet Merlin, Remus, have you been baking?”
Tonks’ smile was just as surprised and happy as he’d hoped it would be, and he smiled back at her. “I feel that’s the very least I should be doing for you.”
She walked up to him; her fluffy slippers with the bunny ears delightfully contrasting with the loose jeans, and she was so lovely he didn’t quite know where to look. Grinning, she leaned in and kissed his cheek, making a contented humming sound as she withdrew. “You had some batter on your cheek. Mmm, tastes wonderful.”
“And here I was thinking you actually wanted to kiss me, when in fact it was the chocolate that was the allure.”
“Oh, I find both of you alluring, Lupin. Always.”
He laughed, a happy laugh that made him feel he had no cares in the world. “You know, Dora – and this is going to sound awfully soppy…”
“Good! Soppy-Remus I can take. Gladly. Haven’t seen much of him, and I’d very much like to.”
“And here he is, no holding back. I spent last year thinking that my happiest days in life were well and truly behind me. Now I have you and Teddy, and I feel like the best is yet to come. Because of you.”
He was rewarded with a warm hug. And it was all true. He’d never felt more at home, more vulnerable, more loved than he did now. His family was his home. In moments of optimism, he even allowed himself to picture what the years ahead could be like for them.
First there was a war to be won.
But right now, right here with his wife in his arms and their baby safely asleep, that felt very possible to do. And after that… who knew what would happen at the Lupins’ place.
He could hardly wait.
huldrejentaTitle: Remus Unguarded
Rating & Warnings: PG, a tiny bit of swearing
Word Count: ~ 4,000
Prompt: "Lupin's place" (
gilpin25's prompt #3)Summary: All the secrecy made him sometimes wonder if he really had it in him to lower all his defences and let another person see the whole man. Just Remus.
Notes: While writing this fic, my computer broke down, and parts of the story disappeared. I've re-written (or at least tried to; somewhat grudgingly) most of what I lost, but one section is missing (called "Hermione") - I might add it later.
Thank you so much to
gilpin25 for the super fast and invaluable beta ♥Remus Unguarded
He’d always been burdened and blessed with many secrets. Over the years he quietly perfected the art of keeping them inside, never letting anything slip. Fate made it necessary for him to start practicing even as a little boy, and Remus was nothing if not a fast learner. He got used to having secrets, he would have felt bare and exposed without the shield they provided. They allowed him to build fortresses. Behind them, he could stay safe. Lonely, maybe, but safe.
He had people in his life, people who trusted him, liked and even loved him. Some of them got to see only the surface. Others got him, really got him. But revealing only parts of himself to those he met had become second nature, and all the secrecy made him sometimes wonder if he really had it in him to lower all his defences and let another person see the whole man. Just Remus.
*** *** ***
Sirius
Sirius quickly sat up in his armchair in front of the common room fire. He’d nearly fallen asleep, feeling uncharacteristically tired, but was woken up from his doze by the sound of fast footsteps and loud laughter. Turning to see where the noise came from, he saw James and Remus tumbling from the portrait hole, carelessly throwing themselves onto the sofa.
“Where’ve you been?” James asked once the laughter had died down. “You missed all the fun!”
Sirius shrugged. “Nowhere. Here. Thinking.”
“Sirius Black, spending all afternoon in the common room, thinking?” James eyed him suspiciously. “That’s a first. Don’t tell me the Most-Sought-After-Person-At-Hogwarts-Next-To-James-Potter is nervous about his date tonight? Or are you afraid that you’ll have to do some actual studying this year to ace all your N.E.W.T. exams? No, wait, I’ll bet you’re so excited about your detention with McGonagall tomorrow that you can’t get her out of your mind.”
“Wherever you’ve been, you’ve obviously misplaced your wit, ‘cause that’s not even remotely funny.”
Sirius had to raise his voice to be heard over James’ guffaws.
Remus said nothing. He adjusted one cushion behind his back (still sore from the full moon three days ago), looking at Sirius with that infuriating, absolutely impossible-to-read expression of his.
“Okay then, enlighten me.” Sirius found the current conversational topic to be less than productive, even though he knew that James’ teasing was little more than his way of trying to get a friend out of what he believed to be a sulk. “What did I miss?”
James sat up, eagerly starting a long story about his latest, and this time successful, attempt at hexing Slytherins.
“And then,” James went on, “this bloke in sixth year, can’t remember his name, decided to get cheeky with Peter, and no one gets to insult my friends but me.”
Remus still said nothing. He’d now turned his attention to James, listening to his story with an anticipatory glint in his eyes. It was oddly unsettling, and Sirius wondered why he’d been laughing with James earlier. Stories about random hexing were usually far away from what constituted fun in Remus’ book.
“Of course Snivellus wasn’t… eeeh… able to keep out of it. And when… aah… he tried to… ouch… send the… uhm… what in sweet Godric’s name is going on? I’m itching like mad all over!”
Sirius couldn’t help letting out a small laugh at the sight of an increasingly agitated James scratching himself with vehement force.
“Something the matter, Prongs?” Remus had straightened up from his slouching position on the soft sofa, looking pointedly at James.
“Yes, something is bloody well the matter! It feels like an entire army of ants are crawling on my skin, doing their best to chew their way through it.” James kept frantically scratching himself at various, ever-changing areas.
“You don’t say.” Remus didn’t look like his usual sympathetic self when he saw a friend in distress, and he certainly didn’t seem surprised. Sirius turned to look at him, at the slender figure that gave such a fragile impression, though Sirius knew it was anything but. Realisation hit him, and he felt more than a little impressed by this quiet, unassuming boy with hidden depths.
“This is your doing?”
He grinned at Remus, suddenly very glad that he’d spent the afternoon away from James and his antics, otherwise he would most likely have joined in, and eagerly, too. (You just don’t say no to a challenge.)
“You’ve used one of your useful little spells again, haven’t you? The ones no one else has ever heard of?”
“If you’d spent a little more time in the library, you would have been able to extend your own repertoire considerably.” Remus started humming the chorus of a silly tune the four of them had made after one particularly successful prank, stretching his long legs out in front of him.
“Moony – what did you do to me!” James growled. “Aaaah! This is driving me mad!”
“Actually, Prongs, you did it all to yourself.”
“How do you mean I did it to myself?” James’ eyes narrowed, and he held them locked at Remus for exactly three seconds before he furiously began scratching again.
“I made this happen if, and only if, you decided to go after Severus and unsuspecting Slytherins unprovoked. If you’d behaved yourself, the spell wouldn’t have been effectuated.”
“You and your fancy words. And there’s no such thing as unprovoked when it comes to Snivellus! You know that! You know what he does if he’s first… eww… how long does this thing last anyway?”
“Oh, don’t worry, it’ll probably wear off in the morning.”
“That’s clever, Moony.” James didn’t look the least bit impressed. “Really clever.”
“Yes, I thought so too,” Remus said with a happy grin.
“Now, as fun as this has been, I’ll leave you two to sit here and gloat.” James rose from the sofa and made a hasty retreat towards the stairs to their dormitory. “I’ll be damned if I can’t find a spell to lift this… bloody hell, it itches… before tomorrow!”
“Good luck!” Remus called after him lazily. “I’ll be quite impressed if you’re able to.”
Sirius shook his head slowly.
“Moony, Moony, Moony,” he said, unable to hide the mixture of amusement and awe from his voice. “You are just full of surprises, aren’t you? People think James and I are the pranksters, but underneath that perfect prefect surface, you’re every bit as devious. And no one ever suspects you.”
Remus shifted to find a more comfortable position, rubbing his neck with pale fingers. Every trace of mischief was gone within a blink of an eye. Sirius knew what went through his mind – they would all suspect me if they knew.
“You know…” Remus looked very tired all of a sudden, staring into the fire with an odd, distant look. A sigh escaped his lips, adding years to the young face. “I actually kept hoping that James wouldn’t do anything. That the spell wouldn’t have gone off, and I could cowardly stay out of it. Like I always do.”
Sirius felt a flash of annoyance. Why did Remus always do this? “Don’t go there. You’ve got the cleverest ways of letting us know when we’re out of line. And we’re out of line rather a lot, even if we’ve grown up a bit this last year. No one has made us feel that more than you have, in your own subtle way.”
“Quite.” Remus wrinkled his nose, clearly not believing a word.
“I always tell the truth, Remus. You’re clever and nice and funny. Not to mention I have it on good authority that those – and I quote – dreamy eyes of yours are quite the talk in the girls’ dormitories. I tell you, one day you’ll make a lucky witch sickeningly happy.”
Sirius didn’t get what was so funny when Remus threw his head back and let out a loud laugh.
“Indeed. Dark creatures with no future prospects never go out of style. I can picture the ladies queuing up, all desperately hoping to build a home with me. It would take a pretty mad girl, I’d say.”
“You can always hook up with someone in my family then. The Black women are all sinfully beautiful and utterly insane. Seems like a perfect combination.”
Remus’ laughter morphed into a silent snort. “I’m not quite that desperate, Padfoot. Thanks, though. For being a friend.”
They settled into comfortable silence, listening to the crackling fire, both deep in their own thoughts.
Sirius knew that if he took a poll asking his fellow Gryffindors if Remus would ever pull a stunt like he had with James, although innocent enough, most would refuse to even consider the possibility. Showed how much they knew.
But Sirius had on more than one occasion seen more, a deeper layer of something darker. No one knew better than Sirius how the inner demons could haunt you, how they would hide and pretend not to be there, all the while doing their best to taint even just a little part of you.
If things outside the safe cocoon of Hogwarts were going to escalate to full war – and Sirius didn’t for one minute delude himself to think that they couldn’t – Remus Lupin was certainly someone he was very glad to have standing in his corner.
I sometimes wonder, though – how deep into the darkness do you have it in you to go?
Molly
The sounds of water being heated and Summoned mugs landing elegantly on the work surface, seemed to ring way louder than they were actually capable of in the quiet kitchen. Molly busied herself with what she normally did when she was feeling stressed – making tea for everyone and trying to engage in small talk with someone who might be in need of some mothering. But since the only other person in the gloomy room happened to be Sirius, she dedicated herself eagerly to the former of her two well used anxiety releasers.
What must the others think of her? Here she was, a full grown member of the Order, with a special responsibility to make sure the children were having as normal a summer as humanly possible, and what did she do? Break down crying, and be unable to perform a spell she’d mastered as a teenager. Because of a stupid Boggart.
Having seen from the outside what it meant to be in the Order during the first war, she thought she was prepared for this. Living every single day suffocated by fear of what might happen to her loved ones, turned out to be something it wasn’t possible to prepare for.
Remus, of course, had been absolutely wonderful about it. He quickly read the situation and did what needed to be done, without making her feel like a complete failure. At least not more of a failure than she already felt like. And his words had actually managed to calm her, to take the edge off the horrible images that kept playing in her mind. For now.
She threw a quick glance through the kitchen at the man sitting by the old, heavy table, nursing his drink and staring into thin air. Her intellect knew that Sirius was in just as much need of companionship and understanding as anyone else at Grimmauld Place. His rash behaviour and firm opinions were pretty much in the opposite corner to her own, making it difficult for her to see past them. Sirius made her feel jumpy, whereas Remus held an aura of safety, calmness and sanity in an increasingly insane situation.
Eventually her need to talk to someone proved stronger than her reluctance to have a friendly conversation with Sirius.
“I can’t believe that I was a bit skeptical of Remus when I first met him. It was nothing personal, I’d just never met a… you know, a werewolf before. I’m not proud of it. But now I can’t remember how we managed without having him as an anchor for us all. It must have been wonderful to be his friend at Hogwarts! I don’t think I’ve ever met a man so genuinely warm and gentle before.” A smile tugged at her mouth. “Except for Arthur, of course,” she added hurriedly.
Sirius set the chair he’d been leaning backwards on, back down onto four steady legs again, before turning to look at her. “Yes,” he said softly, “he is a good man, our Moony.”
He leaned forwards, putting his forearms firmly on the table and shot Molly a sharp look. “But remember, he was a Marauder, and he was a Marauder for a reason.”
There was no missing the distinct pride and fondness in his voice, and he took a long sip of his Butterbeer with a reminiscent expression on his face that lit him up from inside, showing a glimpse of the unnervingly handsome man that he once was.
Molly shrugged as she turned towards her bottomless tea pot again, determined not to let anyone destroy her image of Remus as the embodiment of everything honest and decent.
“Oh, I’m sure the main reason for him being around was to make sure you didn’t stir up way too much trouble,” she said. She’d meant it as a joke, or she hoped she’d meant it as a joke, and she winced when she noticed Sirius’ rolling eyes.
Any resolutions to make a further effort with Sirius, slipped away as the door squeaked open and Remus quietly walked in. Maybe anxiety releaser number one was within reach after all.
“Everything okay, Molly?”
“I’m fine, Remus,” she beamed, "or at least I will be. Why don’t you sit down and have some tea?”
He smiled at her, looking genuinely grateful. "I can't say no to that. You’re really spoiling a couple of old bachelors.”
“I hardly see you as the type to let yourself get spoiled, Remus. But I’m thrilled to do what I can to help." She tried to catch their host's eyes. "For you both," she added.
She hesitated for a second before turning to Remus again. It really wasn't her business. (Though if she were to be completely honest, she wouldn't mind making it her business. Remus was just the person to need a friendly nudge. And she wanted to be a friend.) "Maybe a nice lady would be what you need in the spoiling-department? I don't want to be nosey, but I’d like to see you happy. I don't believe for a second that people are strongest on their own."
Remus didn’t answer. He coughed lightly and seemed to concentrate on the tea as if it was immensely intriguing. She wondered what he was thinking; if she'd made a terrible blunder by asking, or maybe he had indeed met someone. That would be wonderful. Whoever the possible mystery woman was – if she could make Remus happy, Molly would support her every step of the way. Something told her Remus might not be easily convinced that he deserved the things in life that others did.
Tonks
She knew exactly when it had happened. The day – the hour – almost down to the minute.
She’d been sitting in the gloomy library at Grimmauld Place, sighing impatiently at the never ending stack of paperwork on the desk beside her. Not all of an Auror’s work was full of meaning and passion. Some of it was dreadfully boring. Like this. And she needed to finish it tonight.
Frowning slightly, she opened one parchment and started plotting in the numbers, rolling her eyes at the sight of an ink stain her impatient quill work left behind.
Okay. Better get started. She was just about to open the next parchment, which promised even more tedious work, when she felt more than saw that she was being watched. Remus.
“Want some help with that?”
He waved his hand over the parchments.
Tonks grinned, feeling a rush of gratitude and something else she couldn’t quite put her finger on. (It wasn’t the first time she’d felt it around him. She should be able to recognize anything out of the ordinary. It was what she did. Annoying, really.)
“I can’t say no to an offer like that. Got to warn you, though. This is so boring that it makes professor Binns’ lectures seem absolutely thrilling.”
He smiled, the genuine smile he always gave her, sat down next to her, and casually Summoned a quill. They worked for some time; side by side in complete silence, only disturbed by Kreacher passing through the room, mumbling something about freaks and scoundrels besmirching his mistress’ house.
“Oh dear, Kreacher,” Remus said mildly, “you do have high thoughts about how important we are. I’m afraid my days as a scoundrel are far behind me. Now it’s all very boring and un-scoundrelish.”
Tonks snickered to herself. She loved it when he let his sense of humour shine through – quite wicked, yet never cruel. Wry and to the point, yet always gentle.
They started working again, but Tonks found she had a hard time focusing. Her thoughts wouldn’t leave Remus.
She’d liked him from the day they met; enjoyed his presence, laughed at his clever jokes, been impressed by his down-to-earth, yet inventive suggestions at Order meetings. But now, sitting in the dim library, where he spent one of his very few nights off Order duty to help her with her frustratingly slow work, something was different. He lifted his hand and let his fingers glide distractedly through his hair, and it hit her. She realised what she probably should’ve seen some time ago. She’d fallen in love with Remus Lupin.
Just as vividly as she remembered that moment, she knew exactly when she blew it. Her big mouth got the better of her and spilled the one secret she knew deep down he wasn’t ready to hear. The detached, mild politeness he'd met her with since, hurt more than she wanted to admit to anyone, let alone to herself.
And now she was here. Standing in the hallway outside his room at Grimmauld Place. Hesitatingly she lifted her hand, then stopped just as she was about to knock.
“Okay, Tonks, “ she mumbled to herself. “Remind me again why you thought this was a good idea.”
But she knew she couldn’t turn around. Whatever awkwardness she might feel was nothing compared to the worry that’d been gnawing at her all morning. Sirius’ assurances that Remus would – eventually – be okay this time as well; that he’d had plenty rougher-than-usual full moons before, weren’t enough to set her at ease. He might need something. And he needed to know that she was here for him, that she cared for him, even with all the tension between them lately. Especially with the tension between them lately.
Determination renewed, she knocked on his door.
Remus’ muffled voice floated through the door. “Sirius, is that you?”
Not quite.
Slowly she pushed the door open, levitating the mug full of a pick-me-up drink from a certain Andromeda Tonks’ secret recipe, and peeked inside. Remus half lay, half sat in the bed, fully dressed on top of the covers.
Anything broken? Doesn’t seem to be.
Open wounds or signs of bleeding? No.
Colour of skin? Pale, but nothing more than I’d expect.
Breathing? Shallow, but steady and even.
“Tonks? What are you doing here?”
During the split second it had taken her to assess what state he was in, he’d sat up, tiredly rubbing his eyes. She sent him a smile, trying to ignore that he didn’t look at all pleased to see her.
“Oh, you know me,” she said fleetingly. “Always stumbling around, sticking my foot in it.” She drew a shaky breath. “I wanted to see if you need anything.”
“Well, I don’t. I’m perfectly fine.”
“Maybe... maybe it would be good for you to talk to someone; it’s not necessary for you to be alone in this.”
“I beg to differ.”
Tonks lost focus for a second, cursing her lack of tact and eloquence. The levitating mug, feeling itself start to drop, gave an angry warning hiss.
She couldn’t remember ever having seen Remus annoyed. Least of all with her. But when their eyes met – his shut down, hers searching – she saw. She understood. It wasn’t annoyance. It was sorrow. And it just about broke her heart.
Remus looked away, down at his tightly folded hands in his lap.
“Tonks – I’m sorry. I’m just tired, I didn’t mean…” He paused for a second, seemed to be searching for words. “I’ve tried to give you some space. To make it easier for you to move past this… infatuation you’ve been having. Obviously there can never be anything beyond friendship between us, I don’t have to explain why. I’ve only ever had your best interests at heart; distancing myself to make it easier for you. I may have been wrong. I never meant to hurt you, and I can see that I have.”
He looked up at her again, motioned for her to sit down before gently taking the mug. “Thank you. It smells – strong. As I would expect any old Black recipe to do.” A small sip, a subtle wince, and he continued. “I’ve been thinking, rather a lot, actually. As long as we both spend so much time here, we’ll keep running into each other. I do value our friendship very highly. It would sadden me to lose it."
Countless thoughts flashed through her head. None of them were louder than the mix of emotions his words evoked. Joy, hope and something strangely close to disappointment. Don’t get greedy, Tonks.
He drank some more from the mug she’d brought him, and he did seem somewhat more alert.
“I have an appointment with Dumbledore later today. Something about a new mission he wishes to discuss with me. I'm not doing anything afterwards, so maybe I’ll see you?”
The smile she flashed at him was warm and wide. “I’ll always manage to find time for you, Remus.”
It was true. She would. Friendship was wonderful. She needed to focus on that. And now that he’d tentatively said yes to being friends, maybe it meant he’d missed her a little. She knew that being with him meant coming home; soppy as it sounded. Maybe being with her could someday mean the same to him. Hopefully, someday soon. At least she could look forward to seeing him later today, after his little mission-chat with Dumbledore.
*** *** ***
Much later
Cream? Whipped and fluffy.
Eggs and sugar? Ditto.
And now for the main ingredient of the evening – chocolate. Melted, thick, delicious chocolate. It was sweet and bitter. Remus waved his wand, making the dark chocolate and the yellow eggs stir together. Beautiful patterns emerged, waves and spirals, before they blended into one.
Quickly Remus put his index finger into the batter, then into his mouth before closing his eyes and tasting. Wonderful. This was going to be the best mousse ever, if he did say so himself. Which apparently he did.
A voice brought him out of his chocolate induced bliss, and into another one. “Teddy’s finally fallen asleep, so maybe we can… Sweet Merlin, Remus, have you been baking?”
Tonks’ smile was just as surprised and happy as he’d hoped it would be, and he smiled back at her. “I feel that’s the very least I should be doing for you.”
She walked up to him; her fluffy slippers with the bunny ears delightfully contrasting with the loose jeans, and she was so lovely he didn’t quite know where to look. Grinning, she leaned in and kissed his cheek, making a contented humming sound as she withdrew. “You had some batter on your cheek. Mmm, tastes wonderful.”
“And here I was thinking you actually wanted to kiss me, when in fact it was the chocolate that was the allure.”
“Oh, I find both of you alluring, Lupin. Always.”
He laughed, a happy laugh that made him feel he had no cares in the world. “You know, Dora – and this is going to sound awfully soppy…”
“Good! Soppy-Remus I can take. Gladly. Haven’t seen much of him, and I’d very much like to.”
“And here he is, no holding back. I spent last year thinking that my happiest days in life were well and truly behind me. Now I have you and Teddy, and I feel like the best is yet to come. Because of you.”
He was rewarded with a warm hug. And it was all true. He’d never felt more at home, more vulnerable, more loved than he did now. His family was his home. In moments of optimism, he even allowed himself to picture what the years ahead could be like for them.
First there was a war to be won.
But right now, right here with his wife in his arms and their baby safely asleep, that felt very possible to do. And after that… who knew what would happen at the Lupins’ place.
He could hardly wait.
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Date: 2014-02-11 09:24 am (UTC)I'm glad there were things to enjoy in this story, even though I didn't get to tweak it like I wanted to after I lost parts of the fic.
So your thoughtful comments are very much appreciated:D